Guys, guys, guysssssss!!!! Big. News. Tristan Thompson was caught cheating on Khloé Kardashian! And in other stories: the sky is blue, water is wet, and I romanticize superficial relationships to compensate for my emotional unavailability which will inevitably lead to crippling loneliness.
And guess what? Khloé finally dumped him. And guess what? I don't really care. She's been posting cryptic Instagram stories for a YEAR now about personal love and compassion - you know, the things that you're incapable of feeling because of all those antidepressants your shrink gives you. Everyone knows that the amount of inspirational quotes you post online is directly proportional to how fucked up your life is at the moment. It's legit Harvard level science. But I don't know how much I trust Harvard studies because the boy who got "show and tell" cancelled in the 2nd grade for telling a story about his dad's enema is now getting his PhD there for astrophysics. So I don't really trust their judgment, but I digress.
So the Kardashians have NOT had even a semi-interesting storyline since they all got pregnant at the same time. Rappers and NBA players notoriously don't wrap their sh*t so of course Khloé and Kylie got pregnant and Kim had been planning that other baby of hers for, like, ever. The Kardashians need more to entertain me besides my shower curtain that's a collage of Kris Jenner crying. I mean, Kim slipped the nip yet again? Scott's maybe gonna probably break up with Sofia for Kourtney? Why take an Ambien to fall asleep when I can just read Kardashian headlines? And also, why do I still take Ambien when last time I did it, I tried to give myself a Brazilian wax and ended up waking up with waxing strips embedded on my treasure chest because I fell asleep? Literally the only noteworthy thing that's happened with that family is that Jonathan Cheban deleted his Twitter entirely after I wrote an article making fun of him.
How convenient that I know that I want that shit engraved on my tombstone because I am officially dead after FINALLY hearing of a Kardashian scandal that shakes me to my core.
Apparently Tristan cheated on Khloé with Kylie's best friend/permanent fifth appendage Jordyn Woods. YES. FINALLY SOME FIRE FROM THIS FAMILY. I LOVE IT.
Will this affect Kylie's relationship with Jordyn? No, probably not. Jordyn rides the coattails of Kylie's coattials so they're both pretty spineless. I would suggest Jordyn take a good, long look in the mirror but she already does that enough with all those mirror selfies. I also think Jordyn is kept around because she does most of the grunt work - Kylie isn't emotionally available enough to take care of her baby right now. Also, I don't think Kylie is capable of emoting at all with all the work she has had done to her face.
With that being said, I doubt Kylie would ditch Jordyn because she probably considers her more of a sister than Khloé. This could have to do with the fact that a) Kylie's never around her family and/or B) Kylie has Rachel Dolezal syndrome (hence all that cultural appropriation) and might think she's actually blood related to Jordyn.
So yeah, Kylie's going to be team Jordyn on this one. At least, until Travis Scott cheats on Kylie with Jordyn, which is inevitable at this point. Jordyn probably won't get the cold shoulder from the fam for too long either. I mean, this is all dramatic, but this is just the tip of drama's dick for the Kardashians. They'll get over it.
Stay tuned for more notifications on Khloé and Tristan's emotional breakup, where we'll also keep you updated on how 2+2=4, almost everyone has ten fingers and toes, and how Adam Brody is a criminally underrated comedic actor who really should have had a more thriving career. 'Til next time!
[Photo via @jordynwoods]