Keep The Sparkling Cold Brew Coffee Away From Me

by Stephanie Maida · March 12, 2018

    These days you can get all sorts of stuff in your coffee - almond milk, hemp milk, and, yes, even butter (apparently it's good for you...unclear). But whatever floats your boat, you know. To each his, her, or their own. 

    Except when it comes to bubbles. DO NOT put that shit in my coffee.

    For as long as I could remember, I've been a coffee purist. I like it black, no sugar or agave please, and iced even through the harshest winter snowstorms. Cold brew, the glorious nectar of the gods, is my truest of indulgences. It's strong, bitter, and not for the faint of heart.

    But now it's getting the LaCroix treatment, and we all know how annoying those LaCroix people are.

    According to PureWow, sparkling coffee is about to blow up, thanks to a bevy of trendy companies adding carbonation to their cold brews. Stumptown's Sparkling Cold Brew Samplers have already sold out, and we're talking flavors like Ginger Citrus and Honey Lemon. That's basically blasphemy. Like, if I wanted tea I'd drink tea. There's no need for honey lemon (or sparkles) in my cup of power-packed caffeine. Even more insulting? It's in a can.

    Allow me to paraphrase our lord and savior Gwyneth Paltrow when I say, "I'd rather smoke crack than drink coffee from a can."

    In any case though, you can buy some HERE. Just don't talk to me ever again.

    [Photo via Stumptown]