The Best Guests Come Bearing Gifts: Feel Like A King With Royal Wedding Condoms

by Mara Siegler · January 31, 2011

    When it comes to commemorating Kate and Wills big nuptials, aka "The Wedding of the Century," aka "Suck It, Chelsea Clinton", everyone is going to be celebrating by dropping cash on commemorative tea cups and needle points. Boring. Pick up some condoms instead. After all, "'like a Royal Wedding, intercourse with a loved one is an unforgettable occasion."

    It's also a moment for birth control! When you're out drinking your face off at the pub watching the telly intently to see if the Queen will crack a smile, there's a good chance you'll meet a lovely who will find the flight of doves and excess of archaic traditions just as sexy as you. So be prepared, and be on theme as to not break the mood with the standard Trojans.  It just wouldn't be proper.

    These babies combine "the strength of a Prince with the yielding sensitivity of a Princess-to-be, Crown Jewels condoms promise a royal union of pleasure."

    Though neither William nor Kate has given an official response, we imagine their reactions to be something like this:

    The condoms package carries a disclaimer that advises against using these for actual sex, but spokesperson Hugh Pomfret claims it was "required for legal reasons."

    He added that customers "are of course welcome to enjoy the supple latex and gliding lubrication of our products, but we are required to advise that they are not suitable to prevent STDs or pregnancy."

    So basically, they don't work like a condom is actually supposed to and are instead for those who would just like to wrap it up in something royal for the mere fun of bragging to friends their penis was near Kate. Maybe?

    The company explains that it is "designed as an heirloom product, we would encourage people to keep hold of them as a memento of a special national occasion."

    The package costs 5 pounds, can be ordered online, and  comes with three condoms and includes a collectible portrait of the Royal Couple as they might appear on their wedding day – exclusively created for Crown Jewels.  So save it, pass it down as something that is a treasured record of history to your children and your children's children.