Calorie Free Peanut Butter, And Other Edible Oxymorons

by SARAH MANDATO · November 30, 2009

    As New Yorkers we are predisposed to the occasional dramatic outburst. It usually involves some sort of gossip-related revelation and a cell phone, or alcohol, or both. My yearly monthly hysteria allotment exhausted itself this past Sunday, while walking the unlikely culprit destination of my local super market. There, amongst the fresh fruits and vegetables, was  calorie-free peanut butter. Go ahead and scream.

    Needless to say, I practically tackled some unassuming man picking out the freshest salad leaves next to me as I grabbed the jar, unable to believe what I was seeing. There was also a head-turning loud, "OH MY GOD" exclamation, but I often disregard appropriate noises levels for no particular reason, so who cares. Anyway, calorie free? Am I on crazy pills?

    Turns out this company called Walden Farms makes quite a few calorie-free treats. Chocolate sauce, salad dressings, caramel, chocolate you would imagine, it's a precious blend of Splenda and some weird sh-t, but it's still calorie fee. So how does it taste?

    I obviously cut the shopping trip short (and hence, sadly forgot my daily caffeine drinks) to rush home and try out this earth shattering discovery. The ruling? About what you would expect: sort of a weird consistency and an odd aftertaste (images began to form in my head of chemical poisoning little blurbs attacking my cells, and for a minute I thought I had a vicious headache), but actually not too bad. It smelled like peanut butter, and sort of tasted like something peanut butter-esque. I wouldn't exactly throw down a jar in my latest dessert, but it's definitely something to keep in the cupboard. The moral of this story? Not much, in fact I feel bad to have contributed to the general female fervor over things low-cal, but how could I not pass on the tid bit?

    Go forth, and delve into your high calorie, but amazingly calorie free food of choice (conveniently listed, below). We know you already manage enough missteps to warrant guilt, so snacking can now be one less thing to weigh you down, both literally, and figuratively!

    Fruit Syrups


    Peanut Butter

    Fruit Spreads

    Salad Dressings

    BBQ Sauces

    Pasta Sauces

    Veggie and Chip Dips

    Seafood Sauce (I can only imagine this is disgusting)