I Have The Worst Neighbor In New York

Living in New York is the worst. I honestly still don't understand why any of us live here or why we're still pretending like Los Angeles is a goddamn joke when really, it seems like it's a much happier, healthier place to live. My living situation isn't that bad but I'm not exactly sitting in the lap of luxury. I'm uptown (ugh) living in an apartment that's the size of my mom's walk-in closet (ugh) and the nearest Taco Bell is diametrically opposed to my address alllll the way across Central Park on the UES (ugh). Oh, and I have a psycho bitch roommate who is a complete and total slob and a disaster of a human being (it's me, I live alone). But at least I don't have to pay utilities. 

So it's not ideal but it's not the worst. Until I stumble upon this note from a jabroni tenant that lives in my building.

(Yes, I wrote "lol or nahhhh.")

I was a philosophy major in college, and yes, I was only a philosophy major so I could deceive people into thinking I'm smart. Smarter than people who majored in "Sparknotes English" or "Disappointing Their Parents Communications." So for four (haha JK more like six) long years, I spent a lot of time reading overly complicated, verbose, dense writing. This note reads just like the stuff I wrote papers on. Only this note isn't about the nature of our existence or intelligent design or eudamonia vs. hedonia, it's about slamming the fucking door.

Listen, everyone has lived with psychos who make the biggest deal out of the smallest stuff. If you haven't lived with this kind of psycho, then you are this kind of psycho. I have lived with girls who freaked out if people didn't Lysol the trashcan before putting in a new garbage bag or wipe down the microwave and clear the timer after each use. I once had a girl yell at me for tapping an egg on the corner of a counter when I was making pancakes. I even lived with a girl who had my entire room rearranged because she swore that I was making noise at 4:00 every morning when really, it was the heating system. For the record, I really, genuinely think that giving a shit about any of that stuff and being mean about it is infinitely worse than what this guy is doing. 

So if it's not a big deal compared to all the other psychos I have been forced to breathe same air as, why am I making such a big deal about this? 

It's just unlike anything I've ever seen before. It's 2017, a time where people communicate through gifs and emojis. This dude, on the other hand, is on some Shakespearean level shit. Except in Shakespeare, they were freaking out over murder, dragons, public torture, and affairs, whereas this guy is freaking out over slamming the door. I've never talked to anyone in my building because no one talks to anyone in their building in New York, but I genuinely wanna meet this guy.

Upon reading this letter for the umpteenth time, I realize that he could actually be the second coming of Newman from Seinfeld. Exhibit 1 out of 2309832509:

Think about it: besides this guy, Newman is the only person on the planet who has spoken like this since the Reformation. I absolutely think that he speaks in the same affected tone as Newman does, almost like he's speaking in iambic pentameter or something. And just like Newman, this tenant is insanely intense about the smallest stuff. Maybe he has an evil laugh, wears pedophile glasses, and has the figure of humpty dumpty too. Am I the only one who is getting turned on by the mere thought of this? It's so hard to find a good man in New York these days. 

Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle, or maybe he's an enigma wrapped in a Twinkie. But either way, I'm totally about it.

Hate sex is the best, right?

[Photo via Seinfeld]