You've read the first few paragraphs of a few articles on a few lifestyle blogs. You've shoved your face at byCHLOE and Instagrammed it. You've made a mess of the bulk aisle over at Whole Foods with an apocalyptic almond avalanche. You even drink almond milk lattes. So yeah, of course you're going to become vegan. Like, you basically already are, so really, putting a name to it is just a technicality.
That, or perhaps your newfound dietary lease on life comes from a more supposedly righteous realization. You've seen the light. Animals are people too, you know, except bugs obviously. And so is milk. Animals, milk, eggs, honey - all people. And all those that are cannibalistically inclined to ingesting said people are sentenced to a life spent forever hiding behind shapeless clothing and dark 'slimming' colors. Basically, all meat eaters and thus processed food addicts, well, they might as well just buy a tankini and give up on life. Not that this whole vegan thing is a weightloss choice or anything for you. Please. It's about wellness, the environment, and the animals. And hey, if you happen to lose some meat-water weight in the process, well, that's just that.
Either way you're off on your Gwyneth Paltrow-esque quest to achieve dietary nirvana. You'll wake up early. Start the day with a down payment on some Juice Press. Finally realize the full potential of that Equinox membership you've been sitting on. You've a pep in your step you haven't had in years. Maybe ever. A pep that now needs to be pushed in the face of everyone you meet / know / see. You become the new difficult friend who can only go certain places, or who just sits there annoyingly ordering nothing, pretending it's okay. No you're not as bad as the race of 'gluten free' monsters (honestly, the next friend who tells you they're GF, take this terminal diagnosis as a sign to part ways), but still, let me tell you that no matter how interested or happy your friends may seem, no one, and I mean no one, gives a shit about the power of tempeh. And if it hadn't only been two days since you became a ride or die V card carrier, they'd probably be thinking the soy's gone to your head. Literally.
But still, you're into it. Can't stop won't stop. Until around day 4 or 5, when it becomes all too clear. It's a meat lovers world, and you're just living in it.
And the second you take that hand off the wheel, it's over.
You're a vegan.
You know, except for chicken, because, protein.
Oh, or at dinner parties, because, let's not be rude.
Oh! Or if something non-vegan looks even slightly tasty, and it's been like a whole 15 minutes since you last ate, and the multitude of vegan options just as readily available at that moment don't look as good, because, well, you're the worst.
People, please. There is no need to attach an extreme title to your good intentions - especially considering your inevitable, terrible execution.
[Photo via @taylorlashae]