Save Calories, Pair Wine With Hand Lotion This Holiday Season

The holidays are officially here. Everybody and their grandfather (f•ck gender norms) is stuck in the kitchen day in and day out this time of year, and for what? To serve some overcooked whole animal with a bunch of iterations of dairy-engulfed starch accoutrements? It’s a lot of work, and don’t even get me started on the potable side of things. Time and time again, the drink menu falls to the wayside, receiving but a fraction of the care put into the big holiday dinner itself, and I’m tired of it. 

What ever happened to a nice quality pairing? Is nothing sacred? Are you REALLY serving a gigantic bottle of $7 Riesling with that maple glazed cornish hen, Aunt Janet? There’s so much room to be gauche these days, but don’t worry...I’ve got a new and exciting way to be the host with the most this season, even if it’s just for your own peace of mind while the world around you crumbles amid mouthfuls of overcooked ham and unfortunate Pinot Noir.

Hear me out: pair your wine with your hand lotion this holiday season. You heard me. Call me avant-garde, but thinking outside the box is what moves society forward these days (unless you’re talking about voting a “businessman” into office, but I digress). Think about it...it’s cold out there. Your hands are dry, and there’s at least one of them near your face each time you take a sip of wine. If you’re going to keep those bad boys moisturized, you might as well make the most of it. So instead of having to repeatedly endure two separate motions to enjoy each quaff to its full potential, skip the lifting of your fork altogether and read these helpful tips so you can breathe in the aromas of your perfectly harmonized hand fragrance and vino combo like a refined professional! Calories be damned.

Disclaimer: this is obviously satire. Please eat whenever you drink; guzzling wine or alcohol on an empty stomach is inadvisable and generally frowned upon. But nice smelling hands are always a great party favor regardless. Happy slathering!