Lindsay Lohan Will Be America's Sweetheart In 2015

by BILLY GRAY · May 5, 2010

    Lindsay Lohan will play Deep Throat star and porn pioneer Linda Lovelace in an upcoming biopic. It's not the Merchant Ivory prestige pic that would give Lohan some much-needed credibility. But it could set her on a comeback trail previously blazed by another Hollywood wild child, Drew Barrymore. -

    First consider the similarities between Drew and Lindsay. Both got their starts in commercials when they were barely out of diapers. Both went on to star in family friendly blockbusters (E.T. for Drew, The Parent Trap remake for Lindsay). Both dealt with monstrous stage moms who escorted their underage cash cows to clubs like Studio 54 and Bungalow 8. Unsurprisingly, both went onto prop up the Colombian economy and subsequently enter rehab (with varying degrees of success).

    But there's an additional 12 Step program navigated by Drew Barrymore that could put Lindsay back on top of something other than celebrity death pools:

    Step 1: Star In Tawdry, "Controversial" Biopic

    In 1993, Drew beat out a dozen other actresses to land the part of Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher in a made-for-TV movie that became instant SNL fodder. Long Islander Lindsay's Deep Throat movie (whose full cast will be announced at Cannes, of all places) should hit theaters late this or early next year.

    Step 2: Two Years Later, Make Cameo Appearance In Superhero Blockbuster

    Drew had a blink-and-you'll-miss-it role in Joel Schumacher's garish nipple opus Batman Forever in 1995. The next installment of Christopher Nolan's Batman saga is set to premiere in 2012. Despite the curse of young actors involved in the series (Heath Ledger and Brittany Murphy, who was rumored to be involved in the next film), Lindsay's agent, the poor soul, should get Nolan on speed dial.

    Step 3: Prove You've Still Got Some Bad Girl Left

    Also in '95, Drew famously mounted David Letterman's desk and flashed the talk show host, which may or may not have led to his heart problems years later. If Lohan is actually sober and working in 2012, it wouldn't hurt to remind people she's still got a touch of the crazy to keep things interesting.

    Step 4: Get Killed Off In A Scream Movie A Year Later

    Scream came out of nowhere in '96 to revive the slasher genre. Drew's memorable gutting in the opening scene played no small part in its success. Wes Craven is prepping Scream 4 for a 2011 release date. He also says he's committed to Screams 5 and 6. So by the time the final entry rolls around, probably in 2013, Lohan will be ready to once again follow in Drew footsteps with a neatly symmetrical career-reviving slaughter.

    Step 5: Maintain Indie Cred

    Drew complemented Scream with a part in Woody Allen's musical Everyone Says I Love You. Allen is hung up on Lohan nemesis Scarlett Johansson, but changes muses with the frequency most people change socks. Could Lohan be next?

    Step 6: Go Rom-Com And Confirm Comeback

    Drew went from coked out rebel to adorable romantic foil in Adam Sandler's The Wedding Singer in 1998. If Sandler is willing to offer Heidi Montag a part in his next film, Lohan cannot be out of the question. At this point in 2015, the ginger is golden again!

    Step 7: Carry Your Own Movie, And Make It A Cinderalla Story

    Ever After was a modern-ish retelling of the classic Cinderella story whose surprise success proved Drew could open a movie all on her own. Lohan's last star turn was in I Know Who Killed Me, which opened poorly and had less legs than the amputee stripper Lindsay brought to life. But stranger things have happened in Hollyweird.

    Step 8: Play A Virginal Nerd

    Her own Cinderalla story complete, Lindsay should pull a reverse Pygmalion like Drew did in 1999's Never Been Kissed and endear herself to pimpled high school kids from sea to shining sea. The dramatic chops required of Lohan to play a prude might even snag her that Oscar she says she's destined to win.

    Step 9: Girl Power!

    A year after Never Been Kissed, Drew extended her streak in the abrasive Charlie's Angels movie. Lindsay's Sapphic credentials (which also align her with Drew, who once claimed to be a bisexual) make this step a no-brainer.

    Step 10: Don't Date Tom Green


    Step 11: Do Date a Rock Star

    At this point Lohan might be verging on goody two-shoes territory. Do what Drew did with The Strokes' Fabrizio Moretti and welcome some punk-grunge into your life. Or, just go back to Samantha Ronson.

    Step 12: Win An Emmy

    11 years after returning to the A-List, Drew finally got some critical respect for her role as Little Edie in HBO's Grey Gardens. The movie was about a kooky Long Islander reminiscing about her lost youthful glamor and fame. Lohan will hopefully have fewer regrets at this point in her career, but a similar character wouldn't exactly be a stretch. Drew's mother in the film was played by Jessica Lange.

    With the help of some aging makeup (and assuming Lindsay no longer looks twice her age) Lindsay's mother could be played by Drew.