What Your Go-To Trendy Workout Class Says About You

Once you graduated at whatever state school you drunkenly stumbled out of with a B.A. in Communications, English, or Marketing (your MRS degree!), you started to feel a little lost without having your sorority to blindly follow and seek validation from. So you decided to join a new cult that's just as obnoxious and cloying: SoulCycle!

You first became addicted when you decided to get back to your old body. Ya know, the body you had when you were a Barstool Smokeshow of the Day. Not the body you had when you gained 15 pounds of self-pity weight after you were aired out on The Dirty by your scorned ex who was compensating for something. And you don't just like it, you're "obsessed!" You love it so much, you have no problem doing back to back classes to compensate for devouring cooking dough at DO that you stood an hour on line for. 

You believe Chrissy Teigen is your "spirit animal" who "gives you life!!!!" and that you guys are exactly alike, when really, every basic bitch has the same sentiments. Your Instagram page is abundant with pics of you being shamelessly basic at SoulCycle or similarly shameless at 1OAK. You tell everyone you date a lot of finance guys, but those "finance guys" will probably tell everyone you told that you're more of a hookup buddy and that they don't even work in finance, they work in advertising, subrogation claims, or sales. You will swipe right on any Scott Caan look-a-like who has an American Psycho quote in his bio and he will tell you that literally every Justin Timberlake song defines his life perfectly while he's grinding up on you in hopes of getting into your Victoria's Secret hanky pankies. Oh, and you still grind even though you're not a college sophomore anymore. 

You probably don't like what I'm saying right now, so you'll stick to being defined by your horoscope and BuzzFeed quizzes you mindlessly take while you're avoiding your responsibilities at your marketing job. 

[Photo via @soulcycle]