Learn To Tell Your NC-17 Films Apart!

by SUSANNAH LONG · March 31, 2010

    [Photo from Voyeur West Hollywood] We're not super scandalized by the Republican National Convention Sex Club Scandal. But we are HORRIFIED that the New York Times' article on the hubbub proves that the Gray Lady can't tell its XXX's from it's Oh Oh Oh's.

    Here's the background: The GOP was recently forced to investigate after it was discovered that thousands of dollars of party money had been used for, among other indulgences, a visit to the club Voyeur West Hollywood. Voyeur is as risque as it sounds. At least the aide who was dismissed over the outing will have $1,946.25 worth of memories.

    The interior of Voyeur's bar [Photo from Voyeur West Hollywood]

    Eh. The RNC doesn't receive public funds, although it is nonprofit and tax-exempt. But as long as they're not stomping puppies or rending the fabric of this great nation, this won't make the top of our We Are So Angry At So Many Things list. Carry on, good sirs (but on your own dime, and maybe more sneakily)!

    An RNC rep might have sat right here! [Photo from Voyeur West Hollywood]

    But The New York Times has absolutely disgraced themselves in their coverage by initially misidentifying the atmosphere of the sex club as evocative of the film "Closer," starring Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman, and Clive Owen as star-crossed and dumbass lovers. The NYT meant Eyes Wide Shut. Commenters were quick to set them straight, because NYT commenters know a lot about movie sex. Don't make the same mistake as the Times, guys. Brush up on your celluloid sex trivia:

    Movie: Closer Sexual Fiesta: Gratuitous Chat Room Sex between Jude Law and Clive Owen What You Might Confuse It With: Not Eyes Wide Shut, that’s for damn sure Fun Facts: In the same movie, Natalie Portman is the least convincing stripper ever.

    Movie: Eyes Wide Shut Sexual Fiesta: Giant orgy involving Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise What You Might Confuse It With: Not Closer, that’s for damn sure. Fun Facts: Melissa Joan Hart, of Clarissa Explains It All and Sabrina The Teenage Witch fame, auditioned for a role in the film.

    We would have used a naughtier picture, but there would have been too much Marlon Brando.

    Movie: Last Tango in Paris Sexual Fiesta: Marlon Brando gets it on with a much younger woman. Butter is involved. What You Might Confuse It With: The Dreamers. Both are Bernardo Bertolucci films , both involve people having sex on the floor of a Parisian apartment Fun Facts: Sparked a furor when it came out in 1972, in large part because of the inclusion of anal sex and of references to sex with a pig (spoken of but not seen onscreen).

    Movie: 9 Songs Sexual Fiesta: This Michael Winterbottom movie is notable mostly – okay, solely – for the fact that the amateur actors in the lead roles watch live music and then have real sex with one another. What You Might Confuse It With: The Brown Bunny, in which Chloe Sevigny infamously (and actually) pleasures Vincent Gallo. Would this have sparked so much controversy if it were someone less icky than Vincent Gallo?

    Probably not. Fun Facts: Jurgen Fauth’s review of the flick notes, "The on-screen ejaculations might be more than mainstream audiences are comfortable with, but Winterbottom's intentions are pure."

    "I'm so excited! I'm so scared!"

    Movie: Showgirls Sexual Fiesta: Nude dance scenes, unconvincingly frenzied swimming pool sex between Kyle MacLachlan and Jessie from Saved by the Bell . What You Might Confuse It With: The little-known movie Butter, which was released in Germany as "Death of a Showgirl." Donnie Wahlberg is in it! Fun Facts: Kyle MacLachlan reportedly stormed out of the movie's premiere, claiming he'd thought the film would be artsy, rather than raunchy.

    Movie: Caligula Sexual Fiesta: Orgies galore! What You Might Confuse It With: Anything else Helen Mirren has appeared in, including but not limited to The Queen and Teaching Mrs. Tingle. Fun Facts: August British actors John Gielgud and Peter O' Toole pulled a Kyle MacLachlan, claiming they were unaware of the extent of the sexually explicit orgy scenes.