How To Pretend To Be A Rich A**hole

You no longer punctuate your sentences with periods because that would imply that you're asserting cold hard facts. Ellipses now pepper your language as you tiptoe around the fact that the way you're advertising your life reads less like a Sotheby's listing and more like a bullshit Craigslist ad. "I summer in East Hampton..." No one needs to know that you drive two hours out there to work as a barista at their Starbucks or match with dudes on Tinder who have houses out there just so you have a place to stay. "I work in finance..." Finance is a loose term here-  it could mean anything from running a hedge fund to doing something like filling out subrogation claims, for instance. That job isn't actually finance, but it's a big enough word to confuse people and it involves money, which has a financial component, right? "I got into Boston College..." Yeah, you technically got into a top tier school with one one of the most expensive tuitions...but it was actually the night school which is, like, half the price and double the acceptance rate.

[Photo via @jonathancheban]