All The Men In NYC Who Will Disappoint You

The finance guy has an American Psycho quote in his Bumble bio, although his favorite film is actually the Entourage movie. On dating apps, he will assume the girl likes to party if she takes a picture in a bar or shows the slightest amount of cleavage. He will then proceed to ask wildly inappropriate questions like "Do you do cocaine?" if he wants to hook up with them or, even better, "Can I do cocaine off your ass?" if he's feeling more romantic. 

When he gets rejected after asking them for nudes before their first date, he'll probably call them "fat" if they aren't Victoria's Secret model thin, even though he only uses his Equinox membership for the sauna privileges and orders a $30 burger every night from J.G. Melon on GrubHub. Or, if they happen to be skinny, he'll call them "ugly" instead, even though he is so insecure he probably FaceTunes his own dick pics. 

Maybe he's delusional from all the Adderall he takes or maybe it's because it's the lack of sleep he gets because his finance job takes over his life, but this guy seriously believes that every episode of Suits defines his life perfectly. When he's at The Surf Lodge or Soho House, he will order a "Cape Codder" instead of just calling it a "cranberry vodka" because he feels emasculated by the fact that he orders the same drink as a state school sorority girl. He probably only got his analyst job at Goldman because of his daddy's connections, and he probably hasn't gotten fired for being completely incompetent because he told HR he's "going through some things," a.k.a. a case of "affleunza." 

Not all finance guys are bad - their jobs really do take over their lives! I'd say cut him some slack if you don't get a text back because they're up at 5 a.m. and don't get home until midnight and have CFAs and levels on top of that. Just stay away from the ones whose Instagram aesthetic is Dan Bilzerian meets Kiel James Patrick.

[Photo via @cfaprogram]