Lost Is Like That Boyfriend You Just Can't Quit. Why I Choose To Keep Going Back For More:

I compare people's Lost relationships to that boy that you just can't quit. He makes no sense, teases with your emotions, and leaves you hanging by a thread for 9 months only to come back asking for your affection once more.  You won't let him do this to you again. You won't let him waste anymore of your time spinning around in circles. You won't, you won't, you won't. Oh, you will....

Lucky for me, I only started my Lost adventure last May.  I managed, with the help of a friend's box DVD set, and then the powers that be at Netflix (their "watch instantly on your computer" categories has basically ruined any chance I have a somewhat semi-normal social life), to get through the entire first 5 seasons of Lost in less than 9 months. A feat I was pretty proud of, until this guy went and did all 103 episodes in a month! Mike, wanna grab a beer sometime? I still feel oddly connected to you. We have, after all, experienced our first "in real time" Lost episode last night together.

That's right, I went through all 5 seasons uninterrupted. I fast forwarded those boring jungle scenes and didn't have to put up with a single commercial. It was great.

Now, I'm forced to jump into this #Lost bandwagon with all of the rest of the "real" fans. Because really, what else am I gonna do? Ignore the hoohaw until it's out on DVD and I can go back to my normal Saturday mornings again? Not a chance. Just like any good relationship, Lost has taken hold of my heart and reality has become hazy again.

Around 90 mins into the season premiere last night, I found myself trying to explain to a friend who had NEVER seen the show what was going on. Note: this person didn't ask for it, and I swore I wouldn't do this, but it was just too much to sit there and not desperately TRY to make him understand that that person standing there, right there, was NOT the REAL John Locke. The real John Locke is sitting outside that temple looking structure, hanging out of his coffin. That other guy is just using his body, but also can turn into the "smoke monster" at will, OBVIOUSLY, and who just tricked that other scary looking baldish guy to kill this guy Jacob that has been the only omnipotent character all series. Obviously this all fits together. I mean it has to. Right?

Wrong.

This show, just like the best kind of relationship, is never going to make sense. I refuse to read the recaps, reviews and supposed hidden meanings of Lost. Mostly because I don't have the time, but also, getting the opinions of critics of Lost is the equivalent to getting advice from that best friend of yours that doesn't want to see that good for nothing boy of yours break your heart again. For better or worse, I'm addicted to Lost and I really don't want to feed that addiction anymore time than I already have, nor give anyone the chance to make me feel stupid for sticking by its side in the first place.  I don't know who has it better, us who go in watching with a full knowledge of the 103 episodes prior, or my friend who just sits there and enjoys the present story. We are both f*cked, because (repeat after me) making sense of this mess is never gonna happen. It.will.never.make.sense. And, if you can get past that, you can be part of something pretty amazing.

Here's why:

1. The theme parties. There is a plethora of Lost theme parties to be had, dharma drinks to be drank, and fish bone rice cakes to be devoured. Your desire to be the ultimate zeitgeist will know no limits as you become the first person amongst your friend circle to host a Lost viewing party that isn't just ANOTHER party that reeks of "I bought this shit straight off of the CBS' store website." You will be original and creative goddamnit! Just like this little hostess at the left was last season, that bitch. More examples of where you may draw your inspiration, below:

Drink up! This Dharma Beer isn't going to be relevant forever!

2. Gym Inspiration. I'm not going to claim that it's the ONLY thing that had to do with my massive resurgence to get fit - running a site that requires copious amounts of interns under the age of 21 will be enough to require an almost 27 year old to need escape mechanisms - but Kate Austen's bod? I may or may not have made mental stories in my head that had to do with me having to run an extra mile or two in order to save Claire's baby/run from the monster/make it away from the others, or I would die sort of thing once or twice. The NYHRC at Astor Park is actually a great place to do this at...their rock climbing wall really adds to the "I'm stranded in a jungle" themed mood.

3. Lost Haiku's. Like this one on Nylon's site. Did you KNOW that the Nylon crew and The Misshapes love Lost? Well they do and they were all watching it together last night at the Tribeca Grand Hotel. Somehow this is beyond surprising/amazing to me. Also, Sayid is Jacob?!

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4. Time Travel is fun. This is going to either come across as a conspicuous attempt to sound like an authentic intellectual (or at least dispel whatever cliched "blonde" image you may or may not have of me from a standard google image search), or just plain obvious as you also revel in the magical world of  quantum physics from time to time, though rarely find an outlet to discuss the latest on string theory in your everyday life, even IF most of your facts are coming straight from Brian Greene's mouth. WHATEVER. I like time travel. It's really exciting for me to think about. There's a reason why I stuck around after Season 4, and it had mostly to do with the introduction of Daniel Faraday and that ridiculous notebook of his. The "It's not 'WHERE are we, it's WHEN are we'" of Season 5 on Saturday mornings did what Bill Nye used to do in the 90s to me. Science!

5. Hot Guys. Talk about crazy out of this world coincidences. Have you seen the characters on this show? Because I have.  The casting director of Lost gets an A+++ in my book. They make sure to show you skin when you want it (I'll take another ab shot of Sawyer, Jack, or Desmond please), while making you want to be best friends with Hurley the fat kid, because he's exactly like your best guy friend in high school already. Also (side-note), Hurley is great because he is always like "eh, whatever man." It's like he gets that we are all going to die someday anyway.  Back to the hotties. Matthew Fox, you! You just really have been a lucky guy haven't you? I mean first with Charlie from Party of 5, and now Jack Shepard? You are the image I hold in my head of what a perfect man looks like and you are sadly, most likely happily married in real life. How many hearts have you broken since 1995 though? I just need to hear it. You are a jerk and you suck at life. Otherwise, it's just not fair.

Have you made it this far? Well pause for a moment then and watch this:

See? They really don't have ANY idea what they are doing! ha!

In typical Lost fashion, my emotions were rising and falling during last night's premiere.  Only this time, I had fellow friends on Twitter and Text to chat about what was going on.

"WTF is this?! Are they on the island or not? Did they crash or not? Is this some kind of multiple universes going on?"

"It worked?! It worked?! WTF does THAT mean Juliet!? a. How would YOU know that, you are still on the island, dying no less. and b. YOU ARE STILL ON THE ISLAND DYING!"

"So this new temple with the guy that refuses to speak English because it doesn't taste good on his tongue, not because he cant. Also he is in the PRESENT time of where Ben L and Richard are? Oh. That TOTALLY makes sense! Goddamnit what does this mean!?"

And finally, the news report that came up on ABC following the broadcast: WE WILL BE ATTACKED BY TERROISTS. This isn't an "IF" it's a "WHEN" according to the heads of like the FBI, the CIA, and every other intelligent officer we have. Everyone has some thoughts on the issue. Me? Don't f*cking tell me this after a 2 hour LOST episode. I already HATE flying enough as it is ABC! Unfortunately for me, I will be on many planes in the near future (we're opening up shop on the west coast have you heard?).  Eh. We're all gonna die someday anyway right?........RIGHT?

The Lost Subway Map: