Welp. This episode certainly took a turn for the worse. The battle against the Night King and his army of the dead has been won, and for some reason things didn't start off with Arya being paraded through the halls of Winterfell on The Hound's shoulders. Yes, we know neither of them would EVER, but still. Anyway, a funeral turned into a frat party and OMG, another badass woman finally swiped her V-card with her biggest crush. In true Game of Thrones fashion, that happiness didn't last long.
After all the drinking games and sexy time, we were right back to secretly plotting, questioning Dany's motives, and confronting Jon about his loyalty (and lineage). But that was hardly the worst part: Cersei is back in the game and playing just as dirty as we'd expect. If you were disappointed that SHE turned out to be the series' biggest bad, you haven't been being attention. Whereas the NK would be pretty straightforward in his strategizing, just because he's a supernatural entity with the sheer force of numbers whose only goal is to wipe out humanity in general, Cersei is a cruel and calculating B, with all the added passions of human hatred. She actually enjoys seeing her enemies suffer, and she knows she's going to have to pull some sneaky shit in order to achieve that. Which, of course, she does with glee.
I went through a lot of emotions this week, and, as usual, I live-Tweeted them here:
1. Love how a GOT "In Memoriam" is just a montage of their actual deaths. As if we could ever forget Lyanna stabbing that giant in the eye.
2. JORAH :(((((
3. Even in death, Dany kisses him on the forehead. SMH. Give that man a smooch!
3. a) NOT calling for necrophilia but really I've rooted for worse on this show.
4. OH MY GOD NOT A LOST IN TRANSLATION SECRET WHISPER. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY????
5. Sansa crying over Theon like...is this the ultimate friendzone funeral or what
6. SHE MADE HIM A STARK!
7. The entire Dothraki civilization gets wiped out and Jon comes away with a single scratch:
8.Uh oh... #TeamDany and #TeamJon are staying far away from each other...
9. Ghost is alive!
10. For a dude who broods more than he talks Jon is an excellent public speaker.
11. Oooo awkward Sam, considering Edd literally died to save your dumb ass (JK ily) (But he did though)
12. Funeral dinner parties at Winterfell are chic!
13. Damn Dany's giving him the silent treatment.
14. We know who you're looking for, Gendry ;)
15. BUT HOW DOES THE HOUND KNOW??? MEN TALK ABOUT GETTING LAID EVEN WHEN THEY'RE BATTLING ZOMBIES???
16. WOWWWW ok thought this was going in a different direction... but Dany has a weird way of giving someone a promotion.
16. a) She literally starts off every introduction with "yoU [or your relation] tRiEd To KiLL mE [or mY fAthEr]."
17. I love this moment for him but HATE her smug face. You can't buy people's love, girl!
18. UGH I knew that was so disingenuous.
19. YUP, SANSA'S ONTO YOU TOO.
20. JAIME TOUCHED HER HAND fsjdfhksjdfksf
21. Please bang, you two.
22. Bran STILL says the creepiest shit then just backs away. I CANNOT.
23. Love the Wildling version of a keg stand...
24. FINALLY a toast to Arya! Like why has there not been a parade already? Also where is she???
25. JAIME AND BRIENNE ARE PLAYING NEVER HAVE I EVER THEY ARE SO GONNA BANG.
26. Uh oh, Dany is having a breakdown.
27. TYRION. TOO FUCKING FAR, BRO.
28. Well we know Pod's def not a virgin.
29. Poor Tormund has NO IDEA what he just walked into.
30. YES JAIME GO GET HER.
31. Get it, Pod!
32. LMAO men really do get over heartbreak that fast, don't they?
33. Omg Clegane, CHILL.
34. Woah I totally forgot the whole Sansa-Clegane history. But is she reaaaally saying getting raped and abused made her stronger? WRITERS!!!! THIS IS NOT HOW THIS WORKS.
35. jdjdkfh GENDRY THAT KISSSSS
36. OMFGGGGGGG GENDRYYYYYYY OMG ARYAAAA PLEASE DON'T BREAK HIS HEART OMGGMGGJDGDHG
36. a) Men really lose it after taking a V-card...
Gendry is the kind of guy to give you a key to his apartment after a one night stand#gameofthrones pic.twitter.com/zDTHof8iyK
— unfunnypeoplehumor (@unfunny_people) May 6, 2019
37. UGHHHHHHH. Obviously that was way too intense and she was never going to say yes BUT WHYYY DID THEY HAVE TO DO THIS TO US???
38. You can be his badass warrior princess though HE LOVES YOU AS YOU ARE!!!
39. Fine. FINE. Let's move on to my second favorite couple.
40. JAIME IS TAKING OFF LAYERZZZZ
41. This is the horniest episode ever I'm LOVING IT.
42. OMG. IT'S HAPPENING. IT'S HAPPENING! IT'S HAPPENING!
43. OH MY GOOOOOOOOD SHE WILL TAKE HER OWN DAMN SHIRT OFF THANK YOU VERY MUCH
44. WE WILL BE IN CAPS LOCK UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
46. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THAT KISS FOR SIX YEARS.
47. WHY DID YOU CUT AWAY FROM THEM???
48. Ugh. I remember when I shipped Jon and Dany like 3 episodes ago but I reaaaally don't like them together now.
49. She's up to something.
50. Woops Jon just remembered she's his aunt.
51. THAT TWITCH LMAO
52. And there it is.
53. UGHHHH. (She is right, though.)
54. REALLY? WE SKIPPED OVER THE ENTIRE JAIME-BRIENNE SEX SCENE ARE YOU SERIOUS
55. What did that look mean Jaime???
56. Side note: has he ever slept with someone who was NOT his twin sister?
57. Ok, kids. Party's over. Back to the war room.
58. How are they all not throwing up on their little strategy map?
59. Dragons exist in this universe but hangovers do not?
60. Wow Varys still has his little birds around...
61. Oh looks like one Dothraki dude survived!!
62. As soon as Sansa pipes up Jon's like "Heeeeere we go."
63. Me watching this straight up TENSION:
64. Emilia Clarke is sooo good at portraying a woman on the verge of absolutely losing her shit.
65. Sansa Stark: The Ultimate Wing Woman.
66. Dany had to say "In ALL SEVEN KINGDOMS." Subtle.
67. You DO NOT want Arya Stark stepping in front of you. Jon is in troooouuuble.
68. The toughest gang in Westeros:
69. Where is Gendry? Is he ok?
70. OF COURSE they are having this family meeting at THE TREE.
71. "You're our brother!" Awwwwkwaaard.
72. Bran's like... you're on your own, man.
73. LOL his face when Jon tells HIM to tell them. First time Bran has showed any emotion in years.
74. "I'm happy you're happy" is the ultimate "I'm judging you so hard" statement.
75. Oh my god, TYRION STOP!!!
76. Jaime has had so much experience kissing and NOT telling. Ahem.
77. OH SHIT. LOOK WHO'S HERE.
78. Bronn is wasting NO time.
79. WAS THAT NECESSARY??
80. Ummm Jaime he is sooo deadass right now.
81. The Misadventures of Arya and The Hound: Part Two
82. AWP. Sansa is about to spill the tea.
jon said dont tell anybody, sansa done started a fucking group chat
— Lord Demetrius of House Stark (@DemetriusHarmon) May 6, 2019
83. Awww the Freefolk can roam really free now!!
84. YOU CAN'T GIVE AWAY GHOST!
85. TORMUND AND JON'S BROMANCE: A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT
86. GILLLLLYYYYYYYY OMG
87. SERIOUSLY. WTF JON?
pet your fuckin’ direwolf goodbye you clown
— rob harvilla (@harvilla) May 6, 2019
88. HOW ARE THEY ALREADY ON SHIPS??? How much time just went by??
89. Oh of course Varys knew. WHO EVEN ARE HIS SOURCES?
90. BUT he's the only person who just went and addressed the whole incest thing.
93. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!! NOT RHAEGAL!!!!!!!!!!
94. Goth Jack Sparrow you fucking dick.
95. WAIT WHY IS SHE FLYING TOWARDS THEM
96. OK FINE DRACARYS THAT SHIT
97. NO NO ABORT ABORT
98. OH MY GOD THESE GIANT ARROWS THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FUN EPISODE IT SHOULD HAVE ENDED WITH EVERYONE HAVING HAPPY DRUNK SEX.
99. WHAT IS HAPPENING
100. I was not prepared for this.
101. Tyrion JUMP. I don't blame you.
102. HE SUNK ALL THEIR BATTLESHIPS WTFFFFFFFFFF
103. WHERE IS MISSANDEI???
104. Cersei is looking fresh after waiting around to see if the Night King did her dirty work for her. She totally would have married him if he'd won. She's already the Ice Queen.
105. Let's be real though, those statement shoulder pads are ICONIC.
106. "Our child." Um, someone get Maury on the phone, please.
107. The Rains of Castamere theme always gets me.
108. OH SO THAT'S WHY SHE'S INVITING THE PEOPLE INTO THE RED KEEP.
109. MISSANDEI!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!! How did they even get her?!!?
110. Varys has the BIGGEST BALLS for someone with no balls. (Had to.)
111. Whenever she calls a dragon her "child" I just imagine her saying "fur baby."
111. a) Everyone seems incredibly chill about LOSING AN ENTIRE DRAGON. LIKE. HE IS ACTUALLY DEAD.
112. EHHHHH. While like, I get the whole not killing innocent people thing, EVERYONE on King's Landing SUCKS. Do you remember the "shame" march? They're all sociopaths.
113. I feel like they could find a more private place than this GIANT THRONE ROOM to talk shit about Dany. Wouldn't their voices carry in here?
114. OK hold up. Varys did NOT just go full patriarchy on us. JON IS A MAN?? SO WHAT??
115. I was fully ready to side with Varys but NOPE. Notttt that.
116. Sansa with the one-liners.
117. Oh god. Jaime's ruminating into the fire. He's about to bounce.
118. He was really not going to say goodbye. Men are trash.
119. Brienne is GLAM AF in that robe tho.
120. Classic fuckboy "I'm not a good guy" speech.
121. She would NOT be crying over him like this. Get me a meeting with the writers, I just wanna talk...
122. To be fair, he's 100% going so he can kill Cersei. Since he heard she actually has a fighting a chance, he knows he has to be the one to do it. Plus, that East Village palm reader told her he would.
123. Cut to the dumbest attempted peace treaty of all time. Those giant arrows can kill literally all of them right now. Not a good plan.
124. LOL BUT REALLY...
dany, her useless council, & their 10 soldiers showing up to king's landing to demand cersei's surrender pic.twitter.com/gdWmQwvQbe
— austin (@avztin) May 6, 2019
125. OH MY GOD THEY BROUGHT THE LAST DRAGON TOO??? UMMM. GET HIM OUT OF THERE.
126. Goth Jack Sparrow trying to figure out how Tyrion knows about Cersei's pregancy:
127. Tyrion really has gotten dumber if he thought he could talk her down. SHE HAS NO SOUL.
128. MISSANDEI TOLD THAT BITCH TO BURN.
YOU HEARD MISSANDEI!!!!!!!!!!!!!DRACARYS. BURN EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND DANY. #GameOfThrones pic.twitter.com/puiBWIYqpI
— rob starks widow (@fandomjaz) May 6, 2019
129. GREY WORM. I CAN'T. I HATE THIS.
130. SHE DESERVED BETTER!!!!!!
131. My face right now:
132. AND JUST LIKE THAT I'M BACK ON TEAM DAENERYS.
133. The Mad Queen is born, y'all.
Tyrion: “i don’t wanna hear innocent children being burnt alive”
Dany next episode: pic.twitter.com/GkdnVufYmm
— Resha (@ChefResha) May 6, 2019