Who Should Play Cecily Von Ziegesar's New Teen Terrors?

by SUSANNAH LONG · May 13, 2010

    Cecily von Ziegesar is growing up. The Gossip Girl author is fictionalizing her college days at Maine's tiny Colby College in her new book, Cum Laude. In the debut novel of the series, a batch of new freshmen (who are, totally coincidentally, rather similar to the Gossip Girl character cut-outs) are shaking up the quiet campus of fictional Cum Laude Dexter College.


    We're already eagerly anticipating the requisite television teen drama adaptation of Ziegesar's newest effort. Will it be as impressive as the CW's Gossip Girl? We doubt it, but at least it will probably be more satisfying than Felicity. And just in case, we have some casting suggestions to take Cum Laude: The Series to the next level.

    Who should play . . .Shipley?

    Ziegesar's new main character is, Hyperion Publishers says,  "blonde and beautiful, the object of envy and more than a little lust. Determined to assert herself and to shed her good-girl image, she buys cigarettes and condoms, because that’s what every self-respecting college girl does."

    This is the ideal crossover tv role for Taylor Swift. She's leggy, she's blonde, she's beautiful but somehow unsettling-looking . . . and though she's has "good girl" written all over her, she looks like she could quickly learn her way around a liquor store/campus health office. And! Her eerie politeness and composure occasionally makes her seem a little dead inside, making her a perfect match for the doubtless emotionally stunted Shipley. Also, she has mad dance moves for the very special frat party/roofie ring bust-up episode:

    Who should play . . . Eliza?

    Eliza is Shipley's "edgy roommate." She "came to Dexter to get noticed, and she has the attitude and the mouth to prove it."

    Ooh, she probably has a secret hurt. Kristen Stewart should tackle it. There's only so long that Kristen can slouch down the red carpet, making artsy indies and vampire movies. By the time she's ready to give up R. Pattinson and head for the small screen, Ziegesar's newest series should be popping up in TV Guide. We think a sassy, aggressive role would be a good fit for Kristen, who already has the sulk-face down, but rarely plays characters who channel their anger into something other than moping and/or brooding. Kristen, this could be for you what that anti-drug commercial with the smashing eggs was for Rachel Leigh Cook.

    Kristen seems like she could throw a punch in the dining hall if the situation demanded it.

    Who should play . . . Tom?

    "Then there's Tom," the publisher helpfully tells us. He's "handsome, privileged, used to getting his own way . . . a jock-turned-artist who thinks his paintings will change the world."

    This almost goes without saying, because it's so obvious who should play Tom. David Boreanaz. Yeah. David Boreanaz. We don't care that he's 41. Older dudes play college students all the time. We don't care that he cheated on his very lovely wife, or that Radar just released BBM conversations between him and mistress-to-the-stars Rachel Uchitel. It's research for the role of Tom, who's probably a frat-ass when it comes to the ladies. El Boreanaz is method acting. He's one of the few actors we can think of who can handle the challenging jock-artist dichotomy. See?

    Jock.                                                                Artist.

    Jock.                                                          Artist.

    Jock and Artist, because both kinds take cramped baths while wearing necklaces.


    "Sensitive Nick, Tom’s wake-and-bake pot-smoking roommate, wants to follow in the footsteps of his boarding-school hero."

    This has Shia LaBeouf written all over it. A sensitive guy yearning to emulate his "boarding-school hero" (whatever that is?) is just what Shia needs to add to his portfolio to rehabilitate his image. Why, before he slipped into all this action movie nonsense, Shia played a kinda sensitive growin' boy on Even Stevens and in Holes like nobody's business. Furthermore, Shia himself projects a heady pothead aura in real life, so we imagine he can handle the substance abuse-based aspects of the character with panache.

    If we can combine the earnestness of his TRL-hosting days with his glassy-eyed DUI mugshot, we may have a winner.

    Who should play . . . Adam and Tragedy Gatz?

    "The freckle-faced farm boy lives at home with his parents and his little sister, who does all she can to stop him from being a wuss."

    At this point, we abandon all pretense of disapprobation and fully embrace Cecily's newest masterpiece. These two characters sound like the best, most useless characters ever. We are in love with Cecily. We will always be in love with Cecily. Naturally, Adam will be played by Nick Jonas, aka Nobody's Favorite Jonas. Nick is a bright-eyed 17-year-old with a lush mop of curly hair. There is an entire youtube playlist called IS NICK JONAS CRYING?????? He was born to play Adam Gatz. Also, he is endearingly awkward/unfunny/frightened of Kelly Ripa:

    As for Tragedy, any one of the Jonas Brother's shrieking fans (or one of the leaders of Nick's tiny but vocal group of specialized fans) could play the role, as long as she managed to keep her desperate pre-teen love under control once the camera rols. We suggest kagome944, maker of The Ultimate Nick Jonas Fan Video, which is more than six minutes long and features many pixelated hearts.

    "It's a time of shifting alliances, unrequited crushes, and coming of age. Find Yourself is Dexter’s motto. And they are determined to do just that.”

    Thanks, Hyperion, that was a nice quote! We can't wait!