The 7 Deadly Sins: Millennial Edition

Unless you’re a bonafide influencer, know that no one cares about your Insta except you so please, please, do not ask for caption input. There is nothing more maddening than sitting at dinner trying to squeeze lemon onto shishito peppers and having someone’s dirty phone thrust in your face, “What should I write?” I'll stare politely at the photo for a few seconds and then do the same shrug + pained expression I make when someone asks me to choose between the ugly low heeled mule and a scuffed ‘going out’ bootie (sin #4). IDGAF: it’s a picture of you holding a wine glass…it’s a picture of you sitting on the edge of a pool…on a rooftop…at MoMA...at the botanical garden…the Standard Biergarten..the Hanging Gardens of Babylon…The Reagan Library…Hadrian’s Library...The Keats Shelley House…Heinrich Schliemann’s Troy. I call these green screen photos and they should be shared with your mother alone. I refuse to waste my creative bounty on fruitless caption collabs (‘Take me back’ x Drake lyric).

N.B. Never utter the phrase “I’m proud of this caption.” That’s like saying you’re proud of yourself for washing your hands after using the bathroom: it’s delusional, self-obsessed, woefully inconsequential, and repulsive.  

[Photo via @jooleeloren]