Although this chilly weather and the assault of Christmas ads from all angles make it clear it's officially winter-ish here, SBE has your Sunday afternoon shitshow covered now that the summer post-pool party at XIV is no more: Carnival Winter Sessions. But our charming Facebook promoters remind us admittance to this highly exclusive event is not a shoe-in and enlighten us with the three ways one can get past the discerning velvet rope.
Let's take a look at their sage advice (copy-and-pasted straight from the invitation) on how to gain entry into the new Sunday Hollywood party featuring our friends the EC Twins and break it down.
"1.) GET A TABLE (this is not a club, this is an destination event/experience that you will be talking about [and recovering from] for days after)"
Oh right, because only the best experiences in life involve bottle service! This system ensures a quality crowd, helping weed out the riff-raff since only the creme de la creme drop thousands on bottles of alcohol sold around the corner at Walgreens for $18.99, right?
"2.) BE HOT (no joke, be hot. Hot's got many different definitions so I'll let you interpret that. But come with good to great girl-to-guy ratios, get there early, and TELL THE DOOR GUY YOU ARE ON 'DANIEL & REMI'S LIST'"
Duh, who wants fuglies at the party? But see, there's a loophole here if you're not hot. Fugly girls, we think a safe "good to great" ratio is two hot friends for each one of you to compensate for your fugliness. Guys already need to come with at least one hot girl, but if you're fugly, we suggest three.
"3.) BE FAMOUS (Oscar famous, tmz famous, or maybe just famous to one of your favorite promoters)"
So you're not Kate Winslet or Sean Penn? There are basically two ways to get around that. Well, three actually if you can get Charlie Sheen alone in a room. But besides that: get a reality show OR make a sex tape with someone with a modicum of notoriety. Seriously, anyone. Perhaps a cast member of "Bad Girls Club"?
And just one final note from the people who bring us this life-changing weekly party:
"*Please note that tickets are 10 bucks to get in....or 5 bucks if you say our names at the door. Tickets will get you a couple free games inside. And yes, EVERYONE has to get a ticket.
Daniel & Remington"