What NOT To Do To Get Into The Colony

So your mailbox, Facebook, and phone have been inundated with messages about the opening of The Colony. If you've ventured over to this new hot spot, you've probably encountered the gaggle of club-goers wrestling to get bearish gatekeeper, "Big D's" attention. The premiere of their new Saturday night read like a survey of the various ways to guarantee access denied. In order to avoid spending a night on the wrong side of the rope, here's our list of what NOT to do when trying to get into The Colony...

1) Telling Big D You're "Everyone's List":

Dropping a promoter's name works, as long as you actually know him. When asked whose list you're on, the answer "I'm on everyone's list" promises a flat rejection. You might be popular, but you sound like an asshole. Plus, there's just no way "everyone's" list.

2) Dressing Like A Colony Clone:

Blondes in short, tight (read: ill-fitting), black dresses seem to be more of the theme at The Colony than their so-called "Hamptons" motif. If you don't want to look like a Colony Steppford Wife, I suggest you go for a more unique outfit choice to stand out from the droves of hopefuls, get noticed, and get in.

3) Pretending you are Big D's BFF:

Although bouncers may sometimes seem big and ---how do we put this tactfully -- dense (both physically and mentally), they know who their friends are. Just because you know "Big D" does not mean you KNOW Big D. My advice: let Big D friend you, not vice versa. "Um Big D, hi it's just me, remember?" No, i'm sorry, Big D does not remember you.

4) Showing Up Sloshed:

Your slurred pitch on why you deserve to be let in ("But-t-t my friends are in there, I um need to be in there, witthemmm, for them..."), with a potent scent of alcohol on your breath will not be well-received.  The people at the door are stone-cold sober and not amused by your sloppiness. Save your date with with Jim, Jose, and The Captain, until you get inside.

5) Pleading Your Case To Anyone Who Will Listen:

Making the rounds to all the relevant parties with the same spiel is not only ineffective, but also makes you look desperate. No one cares and can even see you getting denied by all the other gatekeepers; their will have the same response so save yourself the trouble.

- If you want to gain access to the wannabe-Hamptons playground, complete with beach chairs and test tube shots, do yourself a favor and avoid anything reminiscent of the behavior described in don'ts one through five. And...enjoy!

[Photo by Jay L. Clendenin for the L.A. Times]