In today's segment of "Why do men?" we welcome back Jake Paul, who is a professional YouTuber with tens of millions of followers because apparently having the charisma of an STD is just that captivating.
Jake last made headlines because he threw a party at his Calabasas mansion that provoked such a public outcry that even the mayor of Calabasas called out his douchebaggery, after reportedly receiving an avalanche of frantic phone calls from concerned citizens once videos of the bash went viral. It is dangerous enough to throw a party in a middle of a pandemic with, like, five people in attendance - this thing appeared to have dozens if not over a hundred. On top of that, there were throngs of scantily clad LA influencers and instathots, which is, like, a recipe for the only time that much good looking sex would be considered a disaster. On top of that, let's not forget that this is at the home of Jake f*cking Paul. Whyyyyy would you want to party with a guy who lives every day like it's an energy drink commercial? Most of us don't even like being in the same species as Jake Paul, so why are you risking your life to be in the same room as him?
NEW: The mayor of Calabasas & neighbors tell me they’re outraged after they say YouTube celebrity @jakepaul threw a massive party at his mansion on Saturday. They call it irresponsible, selfish, & say it’s businesses & workers who pay the price for this w/ lockdowns. 10pm @FOXLA pic.twitter.com/COiVleuDH2
— Bill Melugin (@BillFOXLA) July 15, 2020
Of course, it gets worse. On Wednesday, the FBI raided Jake Paul's home acting on a search warrant while he was out of town. This involved what was basically a militia of armored trucks and SWAT guys clad in gear - the whole nine. First of all, I really, really hope they didn't use a black light kit in there because I guarantee you the whole place would look like a Pollack painting. Apparently firearms were found in the home, one of which was casually resting on the hot tub.
Jake Paul: you are a privileged white boy living in Calabasas, what's with the Scarface cosplay?
Additionally, a home known as the "Graffiti Mansion," belonging to Jake Paul's butt buddy Armani Izadi, was raided the same day over in Las Vegas, so there could be a connection there. Several guys were led out of that spot by the authorities, but neither Jake nor Armani were identified among them. An FBI spokesperson confirmed that this was in connection with an ongoing investigation. So yeah, sh*t just got really real.
View this post on InstagramThese two always trying to blow up the mansion smh 🤦♂️ @izadi x @jakepaul #4thofjuly 📸: @andrewblue
A post shared by Graffiti Mansion (@graffitimansion) on
Jake Paul's meteoric rise to social media stardom was a result of manufactured drama, and whenever there's actual drama with him, it's always because he's pulling abusive, offensive, and oftentimes illegal bullsh*t. I'm sorry, but how many more times do we have to give this guy a chance? Isn't the Notes app on his phone worn out from typing out half-assed apologies wrought with disingenuous platitudes and PR friendly buzzwords so that he can continue to be terrible? This clearly isn't a situation where it's like, "Oh wow, he really needs to take some time to reflect and work on himself." He's had that opportunity. So many times. And what would a full battery of psychological evaluations show about this guy, anyways? He would just identify every ink blot on a Rorschach test as an Instagram model spread eagle on a sports car and his Myers-Briggs test result would be DICK.
Just shut the whole thing down. It's not as if he's this indispensable pop culture icon. The only presence this guy realistically should have on in the internet is commenting "Not my proudest fap" in the PornHub comment sections. Good riddance, I say!