The kids on the Jersey Shore have made a lifestyle and living out of it, as have those of the short lived reality program Sunset Tan. It seems like it should be simple. Step 1 of 1: Sit in sun. But apparently, tanning is like, super hard. But never fear, tanning concierges are here to help and they can be found at Jimmy at the James Hotel.
Maybe you are thinking, this is awesome! How did you ever survive without this? Suck it Soho House! Am I right? Or more likely, you are thinking, what I am, "What? Wait, no. Really? Really?"
But, yes. The Wall Street Journal introduces us to Anastasio, a high school senior paid $15 an hour to lifeguard the pool, but more importantly function as a supervisor to visitors tanning needs. Camp counseling, painting, and milkshake making like you used to do over summer break, this is not.
What exactly does a tanning concierge, whom it should be noted was a job thought up in conjunction with a sunscreen brand, do?
Anastasio must ensure pool patrons remember to turn over at designated intervals to evenly brown their front and back sides.
Though I couldn't find it, the job ad probably went something like this:
Must be good looking
Must enjoy flirting with older women
In Anastasio's case, have mother who works with hotel
Unlike most hotel amenities, this service is offered free of charge. Most don't even take his advice to turn. But he doesn't get dpressed about his lack of impact on pool guests or the world of pigmentation. No. He knows he has got a good thing going. When summer's over perhaps he, or you, can get a job at the hotel doing something else made-up like:
Complimenter and flatterer of lobby guests. 'Oh, you have sooo much money! You even smell like money. It's luxurious.' "You look pretty." Or they could just announce when stocks go up.
You have gum on your shoe" spotter
Pillow flipper and human punching bag for those who need to get their stress out by hitting something
An old school fork carrier, with the bonus option of having them spoon feed you choo choo train or airplane style.
Someone to distract your wife or husband, girlfriend or boyfriend while you cheat on them
Breathing concierge. Their sole aim is to ensure you remember to breathe!