The Rules Of Attraction: Guide To Hottness For Each Type Of Club

by Risa Chu · February 8, 2011

    Everyone wants to be desirable. What club you're in, however, plays a big role in what determines that X factor of hotness. Here's my not too serious guide to being taken seriously at clubs...

    [Risa Chu is one of the GofG Guest Bloggers we're hosting as part of Social Media Week. For the full list of our participants, please go HERE]

    As a seventh grader nothing screamed sex appeal to me like a pair of Jncos with an extra long chain attaching a wallet to a front belt loop. By college, I learned that belly shirts and hip huggers were the way to go. And as an adult, I've adjusted to the the idea that a normal human being doesn't (usually) show up in body paint and fishnets. Just as seventh-grade-me had to evolve depending on my location, I've noticed a need for evolution of style depending on where I'm going out for the evening in New York.

    Here are some of my personal rules for attire...

    1. Hipster Havens: The Jane Ballroom, Le Bain, Don Hill's

    [photo via]

    Primary attractive quality: Adherence to "the formula." As my friend advised me when I told her I was going to a hipster birthday party, "Risa, you have to stick to the formula." When I inquired "What formula?" she responded, "The key to success within the hipster community: your outfit has to be 25% black, 25% designer, and 50% offbeat retro." Accordingly, I put on a black T-shirt, Marc Jacobs boots and neon parachute pants and carried an over-sized boom box on my shoulder...SUCCESS!

    Secondary attractive quality: A pretentious knowledge of obscure indie bands.

    2. Upscale Trendy Lounges: SL, 1Oak, Lavo

    Primary: How far up you'd measure on a giraffe's neck. You don't have to be the tallest girl in the room, but the higher your head is hovering over the rest of the patrons makes you that much easier to spot by guys collecting modelesque girls.

    Secondary: Protrusion of hipbones. Eating is soooo last season; don't let the club connected restaurants fool you. In summation, to quote the illustrious Black Eyed Peas, "You could be the model type, skinny with no appetite."

    3. Promoter Based Clubs: Nikki Beach

    Primary: High BAC. I remember the heydays of being 17...I'm sorry, 21 and a resident of, er, New Hampshire (my I.D. was real), the best club to go to in this city was any a promoter could get me into and give me booze off a table with comped bottles. And the drunker I was, the sexier I became to the men who liked their women young, dumb, and drunk.

    Secondary: Ability to pose with puckered lips "fierce face," clothes so tight and short you can't breathe or walk, being a makeout slut.

    4. Dance Clubs: Pacha, Cielo

    [Image via jerseyshoreshow]

    Primary: Dance moves/the ability to beat up the beat. Jersey shore. Enough said.

    Secondary: Knowledge of DJ's, possession of Ed Hardy, Affliction and hard drugs.

    5. Low-Brow Trendy Clubs: Greenhouse, Juliet

    Primary: Shiny things! Including, but not limited to sequins, pleather, gaudy jewelry and plastic body parts.

    Secondary: A willingness to dance on elevated surfaces in your underwear.

    6. Hotel Bars: The Bowery, The Standard, The Ace

    Primary: Sexy accent. What better reason to go to a hotel bar than to meet sexy strangers from a foreign land. Even if the accent's phony, if you can turn it into a faux "je ne sais quoi," it's still a bonus.

    Secondary: A room in the hotel.

    7. Divey College Bars/Pubs: Anything in Midtown on 2nd Avenue

    [Image via cmt]

    Primary: Boobs. The bigger and the more protruding the better. In fact, if you can get them to block your face, that's ideal.

    Secondary: Layers of makeup you can wear on your face at once. The crust, mantle, inner core and outer core are not just layers of the earth.