How To Pretend To Be A Rich A**hole

You know how in the beginning of some yoga classes, some teachers tell you as you breathe out, let go of what's no longer serving you? Wait, you don't? Because you go to yoga solely to get a hot bod and to imply to guys that you're good in bed because of it so you don't really pay attention to that spiritual B.S.? Wow, you're halfway there. 

When they say let go of what's no longer serving you, they mean negative forces such as anxieties or past traumas that tether you from personal flourishment. But here? We mean let go of any morals, any loyalty you had to any friends, any personal convictions that do not somehow contribute to you portraying this rich asshole role. You're not rich but you're DEFINITELY an asshole, so you need to put more emphasis on the asshole to distract from the fact that you're not ACTUALLY rich, you know what I'm saying? 

That girlfriend who was there for you through thick and thin? Don't just snub on her birthday for a handsome entrepreneur who just wants to sleep with you, cut her off and be ruthlessly dismissive about it. You're not here to make friends, you're here to be a rich asshole. That college education your parents wanted you so badly to get? Blow that off and say you're taking a "gap year" to achieve your dream of being featured on "Rich Kids of Instagram." Loyalty, integrity, and empathy? Just get really good at pretending to have those qualities to impress the revolving door of older rich guys you're shagging. You don't have to actually have them, and it's understood they're probably using you as much as you're using them, so what does it matter? 

[Photo via @jayalvarrez]