The Underbelly Of Victoria's Secret After Party: As Chronicled On A Blackberry

David Shapiro takes us on a wild ride through Lavo. Here are his observations and interactions with Paris Hilton, Katy Perry, Michael Bay, and Gerard Butler as sent to us from his BlackBerry:

He describes entering the party:

"i am in the basement of this combination italian restaurant/club in midtown called  Lavo that is hosting a Victoria's Secret fashion show after party. a few minutes ago i was upstairs at the bar and like twenty feet away from me there was a red carpet area where models walked in and then they got their pictures taken and they were giggling and chatting with each other in a Nordic language that i didn't recognize exactly.and they sometimes made pouty faces or flipped their hair and turned around and looked back over their shoulders at the cameras. they looked like they were having fun like people in Newport ads, you know, like if you had to describe what they were doing you would say "having fun."

And then his experience in getting his first drink...

i think i was also having fun but not as much fun. and then after a few minutes of standing at the bar the bartender walked over to me and asked me what i wanted and i pointed to the Pilsner Urquell tap and she yelled "BEER?!" because it was really loud in there and also maybe she had been serving a lot of cocktails and not that many beers so it was an unusual request, and i yelled back, "YES, PLEASE!" and then she filled the glass a little less than halfway and set it on the counter and yelled, "HOW ABOUT HALF A BEER?" and i yelled back "OKAY" and i didn't understand why she only gave me half a beer, but, like, there i was surrounded by supermodels and supermen of impossible height and impeccable breeding, and i was wearing my nylon windbreaker with some stains on it and ordering a beer, so i figured it would be weird to take issue with it, and also this was an open bar...

..and then spotting Paris Hilton:

...and then paris hilton walked in as i was sipping my beer so i followed her to the downstairs club area so that's where i am at now.

paris hilton had that blank but satisfied look on her face when she walked in and now in this downstairs area i can't find her. i also noticed that she had one of those ponytails where the thing holding the ponytail together is actually some strands of hair, instead of like a hair thingy, i thought that was cool.

He takes us through the club and his Vin Diesel spotting:

anyway in this club there is a slightly sunken dance floor, and then an area that surrounds the dance floor with a bar, and then surrounding that is a raised area that is like the VIP area, and there are men with headsets guarding it. i walk over to the raised area because Vin Diesel is there, pumping his fist to "We Are Your Friends," and i want to ask him some questions. i watch him pump his fist for like 30 seconds.  he is so happy and he is smiling, and then i walk over to him from the bar, and on my way over i generate some questions to ask Vin Diesel, but then one of the dudes with headsets blocks me and says that i can't go up into the VIP area."

Then he gets a lesson in VIP, spots Katy Perry:

it is very crowded near the VIP area. i am being smushed by people who are dancing and walking past me, and i watch Vin Diesel fistpump for a little longer and sip this cocktail that i got (learned my lesson after that beer), and then i look over and see Katy Perry in a corner in the VIP area. she is swaying back and forth a little and she looks awkward like a girl at a 7th grade dance. she keeps her eyes down and isn't talking to people and sometimes claps along to the beat halfheartedly. i wish Vin Diesel would go over to her and cheer her up.

then the DJ plays "California Girls" by Katy Perry!!"

And then he hears about an Alan Cumming/Gerard Butler incident:

people around her sneak glances over at her to see what she is doing, like whether she is singing along or if she is dancing extra hard, but she keeps doing exactly what she is doing. this is probably not the first time this has happened to her, so she probably has some established protocol for it. eventually the song ends, and she looks sort of relieved and i go find my friend who is reporting on this event for another publication.

he tells me that he just watched Alan Cumming grab Gerard Butler's ass and he says "you should write about that because i can't and it's a good detail."

Then he gets Paris to talk about her music, kind of:

we hang around the bar for a while and then spot Paris Hilton and her sister and they are pushing through a crowd. i put down my drink and walk over towards Paris Hilton and get smushed by some people dancing and then i get to her and say "hi my name is david and i write a blog about music, can i ask you like three questions please?" and she says "okay," and still has her trademark look on her face, like i think i could have said "hi my name is david and i write a blog about people i hate, can i ask you some questions" and she would still have looked the same.

i say "when will you put out your next record?"

she says "next year."

i go "what will it sound like?"

she says "a lot of fun."

i say "what was the last thing you listened to, like on your ipod?"

she goes "katy perry"

i think about asking her how Katy Perry influences her as a musician but, like, this interview isn't really going anywhere, so i thank her and walk back to my friend, and he goes "how'd it go with Paris?" and i say "honestly mediocre, i was afraid if i asked her more detailed questions about her music she might think i was mocking her."

Later he discovers Michael Bay:

then my friend goes "holy shit that's michael bay!" and he points to a tall thin man with blond hair who is walking past us, and i tap him on the shoulder and don't even bother to introduce myself and just spit out the first question that comes to me which is "AEROSMITH OR BON JOVI?!"

he looks dumbfounded for a second and then looks like he is thinking it over and then says "aerosmith!"

i go "good time rock n roll or gritty rock n roll?" which i think is the worst interview question i have ever asked or ever heard of being asked, and michael bay goes "what are you doing? what is this?" and i must look really nervous and i say "ahh! an interview i think?! i'm sorry, i didn't know you were coming, i would have prepared better questions!!" and he smiles at me, i guess he can see i am nervous, and he says "okay, well then what's your next question," and i say "okay, hold on let me think of one" and i stand there trying to think of a question to ask michael bay, and then after a few seconds i say "i can't think of one!!! what do i do?!" and he shrugs and then says "okay, so yeah, Aerosmith, i'm friends with them." michael bay is really trying to help me out here. i am probably blushing, but is being really nice.

Then Paris Hilton loses her wallet:

then i apologize for not having anything prepared, and he says "it's okay!" and i thank him and walk back over towards the VIP area because that's where my friend is standing and on the way there, i walk past Paris Hilton just as she drops her billfold and her little makeup mirror. her money scatters around her feet and she looks me in the eye, same blank expression, and then bends down and picks up her money. i think about bending down to help her collect it but people might think i was trying to steal Paris Hilton's cash. it is mostly $20s and $50s. i don't see any singles, and she puts the makeup thing back into her bag with all her money and walks past me.

He has an incident in the bathroom with Michael Bay:

later in the bathroom i run into michael bay again. we both finish using the bathroom at the same time and wash our hands at the same time. when we are done washing our hands, the bathroom attendant hands him a big napkin for him to dry his hands with and he takes some money out of his pocket and drops it in the bathroom attendant's tip jar after he is done.

as we walk out of the bathroom he smiles at me and i say "how much did you tip the bathroom attendant?" and he looks almost embarrassed and says "five dollars... times are hard in america right now" and i am pretty positive that it was either $3 or $4 but maybe there was a bill that i didn't see, so i will give him the benefit of the doubt here, but honestly i am pretty sure it was $4 maximum, and i give him a sympathetic look, because he looks a little embarrassed still, and i say "don't worry about it, i didn't tip anything!" which was true. i didn't like take a mint or anything. i guess i feel like bathroom attendants at clubs are like the guys who try to wash your car's windshield when you are stopped at a light.

after i say, "i didn't tip anything," michael bay says "well that's okay, you're a writer!" and i nod, and he thinks for a second and says "we need more writers right now," and i nod again and he continues "more writers and less internet people! there's no accountability on the internet. people can just write whatever they want."

and then he says some other stuff that i didn't write down, because i was thinking about the irony of him lambasting people who write on the internet to me, and he is really friendly the whole time and not an asshole and didn't try to get away from me and would have answered any question i had, and i don't mean to make him look like an asshole if you are reading this and thinking "man michael bay is as big an asshole as i thought he was going to be, pretty much definitely lying about how much money he left in the bathroom attendant's tip jar" because he was really not an asshole, and then as we were walking away i asked "did you get a mint?" and he says, "yeah i got a very strong mint!" and smiles.

He watches Gerard Butler court women and talks rap with the actor:

a few minutes later i am standing by the bar, and Gerard Butler is standing by the bar and spitting game to this middle-aged but still pretty good looking woman, and i wait until he is done and it seems like their conversation is over and i go up to him and say

“hi i write a blog about music can i ask you a question?” and he says, “yes.”

i say “who is your favorite rapper?”

he goes “why do you ask me about rap?” in his thick accent, sort of like if arnold schwarzenegger was saying those words (or Rainier Wolfcastle from the simpsons).

and i say “because rappers rap about you!!” and i smile.

he says “what do they say?”

i go “well Lil Wayne said, ‘I GO HARD LIKE THE BOY FROM 300!!’”

gerard butler looks agitated and then says “well then he’s my favorite rapper” and he walks out onto the dance floor.

Then as the night wears on, he knows it's time to go home:

an hour later i am sitting on a couch near the dance floor and a girl who is probably a few years older than me who looks really drunk falls over onto the bench that i am sitting on, a few feet away from me. she slides over to me on the couch until she is sitting next to me, and her leg is touching my leg and then says "do you like Stoli?"

i say "ummmmm yeah sure, it's okay?" and i am not sure why she is asking me that.

so i say "why do you ask?"

and she says "because i work for them."

and i say "oh, okay, yeah Stoli is pretty good. are you like doing market research or something?"

and she smiles and ignores the question and whispers "i'll see you soon" into my ear and then kisses me on the cheek and stumbles over to another couch and does what i suspect is exactly the same thing to someone else. in the distance, i can see gerard butler dancing. my friend leans over to me and says "you wanna bounce?" and i say "okay" and we leave.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile David Shapiro is 22 and lives in New York and has a Tumblr at www.pitchforkreviewsreviews.com